Wait, Easter's soon, right?

Instead of involving eggs this year, I suggest that we involve bats. You know, the flying things? Yeah, those. Place a bat inside a regular size egg and glue it shut. If it doesn't fit, make it fit. Paint it all yellow with a hint of rouge on the entire shell. Then, lick your egg goodbye and throw it at a kid. Your bat will simultaneously burst from its artificial shell, never being alive until now of course, and will attack the child with a vengeance only known to those of rehabilitation wards. You can paint battle stripes on your bat if you want.

To steal your bat from its cave you:

A) Rip the head off of a tortoise with your teeth, being sure to swallow any excess blood.

B) Get distracted and go buy some bat pheromones, conveniently sold in the beautification section of your local pharmacy (the closest one is usually underground).

C) Drink at least 3L (3000 mL) of bat pheromones before attempting entrance, for if you don't, you will be ripped to shreds by your bat friends.

D) Tiptoe into the bat cave, being sure to sing any song from before 1894 as loud as you can.

E) Bats should immediately approach you, but if they don't, try dousing yourself with the saliva of a rabid chipmunk, or better yet, bring one with you, or even better yet, get bitten by a rabid chipmunk.

F) By now, you have enough bats to stuff one inside an eggshell.

Have fun getting violated! Oh, did I not mention that part? Ah, I didn't realize.......